How Life Trauma Can Impact Your Birth

It seems that this month we are talking all about the hard and challenging topics surrounding birth. At the beginning of the month, we talked about breastfeeding challenges. In the middle of the month, precipitous birth. And now? Trauma.

Trauma is something very real and very scary for alot of people, and yet something that we tend not to spend a whole lot of time talking about. And trauma can have different meanings to different people.

Rape
Divorce
Death of an important person
Abuse
Car accident
Injury
Bullying
Abortion
Miscarriage
Infant loss
Childhood experiences
Adult experiences

Trauma takes many, many forms and has a massive impact on your birth process (and postpartum recovery!)

How?

Well, most often when trauma hits, human beings tend to bury the emotions that are associated with that trauma. Fear, guilt, anger, despair, depression, sadness. There are so many emotions going on at one time, that it's often easier to bury them than to face them and let them go.

As we bury them, we hold onto them (rather unnecessarily) and then they creep up in situations that we don't expect....like birth! When hormones are running wild and you're being faced with a life changing event, it's reasonable to think that those buried emotions and experiences will come to the surface.

So, how do you deal with life trauma while you're pregnant? Isn't that just opening a can of worms, and inviting for stress during pregnancy?

Well, the best thing you can do (I speak from both personal experience and as a doula helping my clients through trauma) is to talk. Open up and talk about what has happened, acknowledge those emotions no matter how far deep they are buried and then let them go.

They serve you in no positive way.
You didn't do anything wrong at the time (or now).
You are whole and you are safe.
That past experience can no longer hurt you.
It won't happen again.
You are stronger than what happened to you.

Harness your own power and strength, and send the trauma on its way. Talking about your trauma may stir up emotions, but know that you are one step closer to releasing them and being free of them.

Chat with your doula, your partner, a trusted friend. Find an outlet like yoga or meditation to help you acknowledge and release.

xoxo
Shannon

5 Ways to Help a Mom Through Infant Loss, Stillbirth and Miscarriage

You very likely know someone who has experienced some type of infant loss, be it miscarriage, stillbirth or a the death of a young child or infant after birth. Perhaps you have experienced this type of loss, and aren't quite sure how to find the words to ask for what you need.

When a parent experiences the loss of their child, a big part of their heart is broken. There is immeasurable guilt. Time seems to stand still.

As a friend or family member, how can you help?
As a parent going through the loss, how do you ask for help?

Here are five things that you can do to help when someone you know is experiencing infant loss

• Remember dates. Jot down the due date, and remember that your friend is likely going through a huge range of emotions, most of them painful. This would have been when she should be holding her baby. She would be celebrating birthdays around this date, so remember that and send her a quick thinking of you note or text when it draws near
• Take her out for coffee. Sometimes a good cup of tea or coffee can soothe the soul. Sometimes it can't. But all you can do is try.
• Make arrangements with a spa to treat her to a service. Better yet, pick her up at her house, drop her off at the spa, and take her out for lunch when her treatment is done.
• Hold the space. There are moments when there are no words, and that is absolutely ok. Sometimes the parent going through the loss doesn't want to hear it'll be ok, or you can always try again. Stay away from the cliches and advice, because nothing will really ever make this better for her. Just hold the space, hold the quiet, and let things be.
• Bring over her favorite meal. That is, make it and bring it over, but text her when you're driving away and have left it at her doorstep. She may not want to see people, not even her very best friend, but I am certain that she will appreciate the care and time you took to make this meal for her.

As a mom going through infant loss, it is difficult to ask for the help and support that you truly need. Sometimes you want to forget that the whole thing happened, and other times you want to hold onto what of your pregnancy you had and honour your baby like only you can.

On days when you want to be left alone, it is perfectly ok to post a note on your door asking for quiet, saying you're napping or asking for deliveries to be left at the door. If you don't want to see anyone or have visitors, that's ok. It's your choice who you let in and when.

If you need a buffer, ask your best friend to field calls or texts for you. Let your family know that you'll be in touch with him or her, and then have them send updates to your family.

There are no right answers, no perfect solution or checklist to follow when you've just experienced a miscarriage, still birth or infant loss. It's incredibly emotional. It's heartbreaking. But there is support out there, and those who care about you will want to help. Let them know when it's ok, when you need space and know that their heart is in the right place.