`Are you going to breastfeed?` asked
the nurse during my intake at the hospital after my water broke at
41+1. Being a first time mom, who did all the reading but never asked
questions, I thought this question was a no brainer and an
overwhelming YES! Who would not want perfect temperature food
available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, exclusively for the first
six months and then with complimentary foods until a year (that is
what the book said).
No one told me it even COULD be hard
but when it was hard (or so I thought) when my milk did not come in
until day 5. I was a hormonal mess, my mom was helping as much as she
knew how, I couldn’t figure out a hand pump and had a breakdown
where I begged my partner to run to the store to buy bottles and
premade formula. Which is something I should have prepared for but I
thought breastfeeding would be easy.
Every mom does it. This is what my body
is meant to do. This is what breasts are for! My thoughts about
breastfeeding were naïve and I wish someone would have been there to
tell me that it is normal for milk to not come in until then, that I
WOULD be a hormonal mess and that breastfeeding helps your uterus
shrink back to its normal size (which in some women, me included,
could be just as painful as contractions).
During all this chaos of just becoming
a mom, learning all about this new tiny human, the dreaded lack of
sleep and the parade of family members and friends visiting with
their well wishes and to meet our new addition... I didn’t think
that this itching was odd, or this small rash under my still existing
baby belly was a concern.
Within a few weeks the itching got out
of control, I was in tears in the bath tub between feedings, it was
the only thing that was taking the edge of pain away and not making
me scratch my skin off. I tried everything I had in the house to
cover my skin to help, I even covered myself in Pentene cream and
calamine lotion. I was beginning to worry and went to a walk in
clinic after googling some rashes in pre and postnatal and coming to
the conclusion of PUPPs (Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of
Pregnancy). Walking away in tears to been given hope with some
topical steroids, but that didn’t help either, I could have used
the entire tube within the next few days.
Two weeks went by and still no relief
after doing a large online order of items that women said helped them
deal with PUPPs and still no luck, still crying and working through
this new mom and baby routine. A trip to the emergency room had a
doctor tell me I couldn’t take Benadryl because I was breastfeeding
and offered more topical steroids. With no answers and getting to the
point of losing my sanity I looked for alternative options with a
Naturopath. I finally came across someone to feel for my sanity, see
my pain, wanting me to heal, show me compassion. She validated my raw
emotions and allowed me to break down, and we got to talking about
how your body heals from birth. Her conclusion was that my body was
not filtering the drugs of the epidural through my liver efficiently,
and planned on doing a very intense liver cleanse to rid my body of
these foreign chemicals.
That same week was my 6 week check up
with my family doctor, the rash had got out of hand and ONTO my
hands. It spread across my belly, onto my lower back, buttocks,
thighs, chest, upper arms and creeping onto my lower arms and hands.
I would NEVER wish this pain on my worst enemy. I was lucky enough to
have a baby who was sleeping long stretches at night, an amazing
latch and my supply was abundant. That was easy. This rash was
overtaking my life!
My family doctor had no choice at this
point to put me on oral steroids to get rid of the hives on my body,
which may or may not transfer through my milk, but on first attempt I
could tell her tummy was not agreeing with the drugs… And began my
journey to keep up my supply, pumping and dumping for three weeks and
formula feeding.
IT WAS GRUELLING! Pumping every three
hours, making bottles, sterilizing pump and bottle parts, those times
in the middle of the night where my daughter was not waking but I did
so my supply wouldn’t decrease. I was so determined in the first
few days, trying to be a supermom, proving my mom wrong who told me
just to give up. No. This was supposed to be easy.
Three weeks went by and off the
medication I went, within a day this rash came back with a vengeance.
All I wanted to do is comfort my daughter when she cried, I hated
having to make a bottle while holding a screaming child, and I wanted
this `easy breastfeeding experience ` I read about. However, the
hives spread to my face and back to the doctor and on the steroids I
went.
SIX WEEKS. The most trying six weeks of
my life with the entire time being terrified of postpartum depression
because it was right there, waiting for me to give up hope, waiting
for that moment in the middle of night where I was falling asleep
pumping, waiting until my partner left for work and I was alone, just
me, a hungry child and a shadow trying to overtake me.
These six weeks shaped me as a mom. I
am proud to breastfeed and would do it whenever, wherever my daughter
needed. I was adamant about breastfeeding as long as my daughter
wanted, which would still be happening if I did not dry up at the
beginning of my second trimester with our next child. It was a sad
time to me even after 2 years because I worked so hard and was
determined to breastfeed. And we did. Since she had her first
birthday I was bombarded by family and friends with the question
about weaning, I knew I wasn’t ready and she for sure was not.
Through our breastfeeding journey I
encountered the struggle of formula feeding, exclusively pumping, low
supply and eating everything suggested just to get those few extra
ounces. There were many times I wanted to just give up but then I
remembered those long nights, how hard I worked and how dedicated I
was during those six weeks to be able to breastfeed. I made those
sacrifices for my daughter but in turn have given myself an amazing
gift of understanding. I have so much respect for every mom, whatever
their choice of feeding may be, these tiny humans do not come with
manuals and we need our village, we need support. If you are ever in
need of support postpartum, whether it just be an ear to listen or
help with breastfeeding you know who that here at Sweet Stella`s we
can be just that for you.
Thank you to my
family and naturopathic doctors who validated that what I was going
through was not normal. Thank you to my partner who stood by my side
throughout our breastfeeding journey, even when he did not know how
to help but his presence was all that was needed. Thank you to my mom
who was there those first few days to help calm my hormones, hold my
space (literally) and to support our journey however long that may
have been. Thank you to the friends who listened to me complain, who
were also up during those wee hours to keep me company and those who
made me lactation cookies. Thank you to the many friends who have
captured our journey for me to always enjoy and to share with my
daughter. Thanks to you, the reader, for taking your time to share my
story with, it is healing my soul sharing this journey.
xoxo
Janice
