The Grief of Infertility

Infertility is a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one passes they are not coming back and you know that they are not going to rise from the dead. You must process their death and go through all the appropriate stages to overcome the grief and move on with your life. This can also be quite painful, don’t get me wrong.

The grief of infertility is quite different. Infertile couples are grieving the loss of a baby that they may never know. They think about the baby that could have mommy’s eyes or daddy’s dimples. And each and every month they have hope that that baby might be conceived and that they may actually get to meet that baby. No matter how many times you tell yourself that it will be ok if you’re not pregnant or try to prepare yourself for the bad news, there is still hope that this month could be the month. Then the dreaded news comes, and the grief comes back. And this process is repeated each and every month, year after year. It is like having a deep wound that keeps reopening just as it is starting to heal.

As the couple’s journey evolves they will start infertility treatments. The testing is quite invasive and can be embarrassing for both parties. You start to feel like a pin cushion and a science experiment, and to top it off you pay a lot of money to feel this way.

Infertility will eventually end in one of three ways:

1. The couple will finally conceive that baby
2. The couple will stop infertility treatments and choose to live without children
3. The couple will find another way to parent (fostering or adoption)

It can take years for couples to get to the final stage of infertility. This is why it is so important for infertile couples to have emotional support during their journey. A lot of people don’t know what to say and often end up saying the wrong thing which ends up making the journey that much harder for the couple. Knowing what not to say is very important if you want to be supportive. Here are some things to consider:

Don’t tell them to relax

If a couple has reached the stage that they are classified as an infertile couple then that means they have been trying for at least a year. The purpose of this one year mark is to filter out the couples who just needed to “relax” and find the couples that are in fact infertile. Making comments like “you just need to relax” will actually create more stress for the couple, especially the woman. The woman already feels like she is broken or like she is doing something wrong when there is most likely a physical problem that is preventing them from conceiving. Infertility is a diagnosed medical condition that must be treated by a doctor. Even with treatment there will be some couples that will never be able to successfully conceive. Relaxation is not a cure for infertility.

Don’t complain about your pregnancy

Seriously, being around pregnant women is hard enough when you are infertile. Seeing your growing belly is another constant reminder of what they don’t have. That being said, pregnancy is not always easy either. And you have every right to vent about it but maybe consider who you are venting to. Your infertile friend would do anything to be in your shoes and would tolerate the discomfort and pain because it would mean that they finally got what they have been yearning for. Every couple will be different, and some couples will be able to tolerate more than others. Be sensitive to what your friend is going through. Allow her to be happy for you while she is grieving herself.

Don’t minimize their situation

As I said previously, infertility is very painful. In most cases infertile couples are surrounded by families that have children. These couples will watch their friends and families announce pregnancies, watch them throughout those pregnancies, watch those children grow and all the while going home to the stillness of a vacant house. These couples will see the joy of parenthood and feel the void in their hearts when they don’t get to experience the same joy. Making comments like “You don’t know how hard it is to never sleep” are not supportive. These kinds of comments will make the couple feel as though you are minimizing their situation. Would you tell someone that just lost their parent “At least you don’t have to buy birthday presents anymore”? The person that just lost their parent would wish that they could buy their parent another birthday present since it would mean that they were still alive. Just like an infertile couple would stay awake all night long if it meant that they had a child.

Don’t treat them like they are uninformed

For some unknown reason, some people think that if you don’t have kids you have no idea what the responsibilities of parenthood entail. Making comments like “Take my children for the day, you won’t want kids anymore” are not comforting. Sure, you can’t truly understand the responsibilities of parenthood until you are parents. However, if you have been trying for years to conceive then you have also been thinking about the responsibilities of parenthood at the same time. Infertile couples most likely have also been around their fair share of babies.

Don’t say they are not meant to be parents

This is quite possibly the meanest thing you could say to an infertile couple and a slap in the face if you ask me. “Maybe God’s plan for you is to not be a mother”. In my opinion, you cannot get more insensitive than that! You are basically implying that God felt the need to sterilize me? If that is the case then why isn’t he preventing the pregnancies that end in abortion or child abuse? Even if you are not religious the “maybe it’s not meant to be” comments are just as hurtful. Infertility is not a punishment, whether you believe that to be God or Mother Nature.

Don’t push adoption

Adoption is a great option for infertile couples. My husband was adopted so we definitely understand. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that we want biological children. There are many issues that infertile couples need to work through before they can make the decision to adopt. In order to come to the decision to love a “stranger’s baby” they need to grieve the loss of the biological child that never was. Fortunately, social workers understand the importance of this grieving process. The social worker that I saw told me that you must shut one door before you can open another and that helped me a lot. The adoption process is quite intensive, so if you have not grieved the loss of your biological child and the hope of a biological child then the adoption process is going to be harder for you. Not only do you have to give up hope of a biological child you also have to be able to love a child that is not your “own”. Some couples are never able to fathom the idea of loving a child that is not their “own” and if that is the case then adoption will never happen. Some couples may not open up about this either, so by pushing adoption you are reopening their infertility wound without even realizing it. If your friend is open about adoption she will talk about it and raise the issue herself. Just wait for her to come to you.

So what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you are saying “Here, have my baby”, there is nothing that you can say that is going to rid their pain. However, there are some things that you can do to ease their pain.

Do show them you care

Let them know you are there if they need a shoulder to cry on or want to chat. If they are religious, tell them that they are in your thoughts and prayers. Offer similar support that you would give a friend that lost a loved one. By showing them you care you are showing them support and letting them know that they are not alone in their journey.

Do support their decisions

Support them if they decide to stop infertility treatments. This decision is very hard and involves even more grief. Even if the couple decides to adopt they could still be going through the grieving process for a while before they will be at the point that they are ready to begin the adoption process. No matter what their decisions may be, support them. Don’t encourage them to try again and don’t discourage them from adoption. Hear what they have to say, listen to their decision and support that decision not matter what it is. Once an infertile couple resolves their infertility they can finally put that chapter behind them and move on. Do not try to open that chapter again. 

Support them gently, and be there for them. They need you.

xoxo

Stephanie

Infertility: When Your Husband Just Doesn't Understand

Infertility is hard enough as it is but it is even more frustrating when your husband just doesn’t understand what you are going through which leaves you feeling annoyed, overwhelmed and alone. I recently heard a male’s take on infertility and thought it was quite interesting and helpful. It made me see our infertility through my husband’s eyes which helped me to understand his reactions to certain situations that have come up throughout our journey.

I am hoping that by sharing the male perspective on infertility that it may help others through their journeys as well. 

During my conversation I was told that men and women process emotional events, such as infertility, differently and that I could be certain that my husband was hurting just as I was. A lot of women have the desire to become mothers and often that desire begins at a young age. For me it started quite young. At the age of about 10 my mom would often find me in the baby section of any store we were in. I was constantly checking out baby clothes and anything baby related. What I didn’t think about was that men often have the same desire to become fathers so of course the thought of that not happening would affect him just as it affected me.

Men also tend to think that they need to “fix” everything. But infertility isn’t something that can easily be fixed, and you cannot fix it on your own. This can be very frustrating for your husband too and apparently a man’s natural reaction is to ignore it with the hope that the pain will just go away, which is exactly what my husband did. Of course my reaction was that he didn’t care or think that it was important. I was told to be patient with him and that infertility was affecting my husband just as it was affecting me, however, men and women process things in different ways and at different times and that possibly his lack of caring/support could be a defense mechanism.

That being said, it is still crucial that each person understand what the other is going through and that you help each other through the obstacle that you are facing.

At that moment I knew that I had to have a conversation with my husband so we could figure out what we were feeling and work together through it. Sometimes it is hard for men to talk to their wives about emotional struggles as they think they need to be a strong boulder and cannot so signs of weakness. If this is the case I strongly recommend that they find someone else that they can talk to, like a friend or maybe even a therapist. If they do not seek out support, whether that is their wife or their friend, the pain and fear will build up and they could feel as though they may explode. Holding on to the guilt, pain and sadness will cause it to become something worse than it is. It could even end up making you resent each other and neither of you need that.

Infertility is not easy and it never will be. But understanding what each person is going through will ultimately help both parties. This discussion definitely helped me to see my husband’s perspective and helped me understand that he does care and that this is not easy for him either. I truly hope that after reading this you will understand your husband’s perspective as well. You may even grow closer as you go through this journey together. 

I know we have.

xoxo

Stephanie

Finding Your Voice: #OHIP4ivf #onpoli Advocates for Greater Infertility Awareness

Since sharing our miscarriage story over the past couple of months, we have been touched, and a bit overwhelmed, to hear from so many families who are struggling with infertility. 1 in 6 people struggle with infertility. Almost everyone knows someone who has been struggling publicly or privately. Recently, I participated in a fundraiser with Hanlon Lain Photography to raise funds and awareness for families who struggle to conceive.

It was a chilly day in October, but the sun was bright and our hearts were full of joy as we set out to photograph women, families and children who were struggling, had triumphed and some who have given up.  My eyes were opened to the incredible financial hardships that these families undertake when fertility treatments and in vitro fertilization become their only hope at having children. The strength and determination of these women was incredible, and we shared hugs, tears, laughter and stories about where our journeys have taken us. 

 

The fundraiser was a full day of photographing families, couples, children, and individuals who were ether struggling with their own infertility challenges, or simply wanted to support others who were going through a difficult journey to become parents. Not for a calendar, a special promotion for the clinic or anything of the sort. We wanted to honour these families and respect where they are in their journey. Some released balloons to their angel babies, while others breathed in a moment of peace and comfort. 

 

With the holidays approaching, it is important to note just how difficult they are when you are struggling to conceive. A loss is a loss, whether it be an unborn baby, a parent, or the dream of becoming a parent. It weighs heavy on your heart, and during the holidays there are constant reminders of what should be there celebrating with you. 1 in 6 people struggle with infertility and infertility has been recognized as a complex health care issue by the World Health Organization. In fact, 75% of Ontarians support public funding for IVF treatments, costs of which begin (on average) at $1000 for the very first visit and range as high as $10,000 for in vitro fertilization. These families take on the financial hardship alone, often mortgaging homes, taking out loans, second jobs, and adding to their stress while trying to pay for their IVF treatments.

Quebec, Belgium and Australia have all demonstrated successful funding models for infertility treatment. In doing so, each of these countries and provinces managed to trim their health care costs by millions of dollars. They have also shown commitment to maternal and infant health care. In provinces where couples spend $10,000 and take on three jobs just to pay for the fertility treatments they need, infertile patients are more inclined to ask for multiple embryos to be transferred. That leads to higher numbers of high risk twins and triplets. Twins and triplets are a blessing, but they also carry higher lifetime health and medical needs placing a burden on already overtaxed health care systems. In Quebec the province has saved money by funding IVF and mandating single embryo transfer. The result is healthier babies born to healthier families.

At the recent local fundraiser, we were able to donate just over $2000 to Southern Ontario Fertility Technologies to be put into the compassionate care program to help couples pay for medications, treatments and health care. Not nearly enough, but something at the very least. Infertility impacts everyone; family members, couples, workplaces and support systems. The journey is difficult, emotional and financially draining. What this journey has taught me is to never give up hope, and to raise your voice. There are people struggling. There are people stressed, going into debt and in some cases families being torn apart because of their struggles with infertility. We can change that. We can stand together and raise a voice for government assisted funding for IVF treatments. 

Find your voice. Share your story. Conceivable Dreams is an Ontario group of infertility patients advocating greater infertility awareness and seeking public funding for IVF. To find out more about Conceivable Dreams, please visit their website.

Follow them on twitter, Facebook and Pinterest. The conversation on social media never stops. Follow the hashtags #OHIP4ivf #onpoli to join in.

Disclaimer: I am a valued member of the Conceivable Dreams blog team. I have been paid for this post. My opinion, advocacy and story are 100 % my own.

Building hope with Conceivable Dreams

Since our miscarriage in August, I have spoken openly about the emotional turmoil, grief and guilt that have come along with the physical changes. I have talked about not understanding why this happened, blaming myself for pushing my body too hard and wanting so badly to have changed the outcome. By now, we would have known the gender and would be narrowing down names on our plentiful list.

Support from the online community has been incredible, , but having been through this once, my heart breaking thinking those couples who have been through miscarriage multiple times. Infertility and miscarriage are emotionally, physically and sometimes financially draining too. Did you know that 1 in 6 people struggle with infertility? On a full capacity standard city bus, that means that 13 of the people you are riding with are struggling with infertility. Sort of puts it into perspective, doesn’t it?

I have gotten to know some very beautiful women who have reached out during our struggle, and have told me about their own battle. Many of these women have fertility experts who have recommended that in vitro fertilization is the medically necessary treatment to help them conceive.  Did you know that there is no OHIP funding  for IVF (unless both tubes are blocked), and typically it can set the couple back $8000 to $10,000 per treatment? Many families transfer multiple embryos in the belief it will increase their chances of conceiving. While multiples are adorable, they typically wind up costing the health care system a great deal more than a healthy single baby.

One of the most powerful things that we can do for our future children is to advocate for ourselves, as women. OHIP funding would mean not only saving a couple monetary stress and hardship, but also result in fewer high risk pregnancies and reduce instance of multiple births, allowing for healthier pregnancies and healthier moms.

In Canada, Quebec is currently the only province that publicly funds IVF. Many other areas of the world invest in healthy outcomes by funding IVF. In Australia there is a successful public funding model for IVF that has helped patients deliver healthy babies. In Ontario, we know that 73 % of residents surveyed  support public funding for IVF. Still infertile people struggle and many will give up on the dream of becoming family in this province. It makes me so sad to think that our options to become parents are so few.

I encourage you to find your voice. Speak out about what you have been through. Talk about your miscarriage, or fertility struggles, reach out and find support within your community, and turn your experience into something beautiful. Support other women dealing with infertility.

The story of my miscarriage has resonated with so many women, and I am thankful that they have reached out and shared their own stories with me. We all have found ways to cope, and in our own time, have and will get through a struggle that breaks our hearts. The grief is real, the guilt is real and being silent about it is not the answer.

Find your voice.

Disclaimer: I am a valued member of the Conceivable Dreams blog team. I have been paid for this post. My opinion, advocacy and story are 100 % my own.

Please follow Conceivable Dreams on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/ohip4ivf

And because there is strength in numbers please join this patient group on Facebook as well.

https://www.facebook.com/ConceivableDreams