September 24, 2013

It's Been A Month...

A full month since our miscarriage. Writing about the experience, and getting an overwhelming amount of support from my readers, friends, family, and strangers alike has been incredible.

I wanted to take a moment to talk about how I am coping with all of this. It's such a strange feeling. I wrote last month about how weird it is to go from having a very pronounced baby bump to a {relatively} flat stomach within just a few short days, but I haven't talked too much about the anguish, mental conflict and guilt.


Yep, the guilt. On the friday evening after we had confirmed with the incredible compassionate Dr. Powers at the Fertility Clinic that everything had passed, that there was no residual tissue and everything was back to a pre-pregnancy state, I sat on the couch and it was like word vomit amongst tears.

Was going to Chicago at 6wks pregnant the right thing to do? Maybe it was the cabin pressure? Maybe I pushed myself too hard at BlogHer with an insane schedule? Maybe I didn't eat enough, or get enough water?

Was I taking on too many commitments with the Walk, my coaching, multiple art shows and proposals?

Was running hurting my baby?

I sat and cried. I spewed all of this out at my husband, who rubbed my back and assured me that nothing I did or didn't do caused any of this to happen. Now, a month later, I understand that and even in that moment, I could rationalize that miscarriage happens at any time, to anyone, for any reason.

I'm sure that there will always be a part of me that wonders why, and similarly a part of me that knows that the baby was sick or was going to make me sick, so my body knew to stop the process.

Does it make it any easier? Absolutely not.

To the women out there reading this, suffering with their pain in silence and not able to find their words, you're not alone in your anguish. You didn't do anything to cause this, you aren't to blame.

Let go of the guilt, and let your heart hold onto hope again.

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4 comments:

Mel said...

<3

Kimberly said...

You are a strong, amazing, inspirational woman to all. I am so sorry you had to deal with this but am thankful you have a good support system. <3 If you ever need an ear you know where I am

Censie said...

Remember that every thing really does happen for a reason. You will grow from this experience...as heartbreaking as it is. xoxoo

k myrie said...

Don't just tell yourself, believe it! without a doubt you did NOT do absolutely anything that made this happen, it just did. Thanks for sharing. xxx

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